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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Noel Coward


There are moments when everything goes well; don't be frightened, it won't last.
- Jules Renard

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck. - Elvis Presley


It is difficult to say who does us the most mischief, our enemies with the worst intentions or our friends with the best. – Unknown


If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. - Abraham Lincoln


It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness. – Confucius


We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine. - H. L. Mencken


A lifetime is more than sufficiently long for people to get what there is of it wrong. - Unknown


The speed of time is one second per second. - Steven Wright


I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner


Lawyers, I suppose, were children once. - Charles Lamb


Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. - W. C. Fields


The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. – Dave Barry


There are two great days in a person's life -- the day we are born and the day we discover why. - William Barclay


The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball


A goal is a dream with a deadline. - Napoleon Hill


If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. - Jaques Anatole Thibault


No matter what your past has been, you have a spotless future. -  Unknown


Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. - Mickey Mouse


If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? – Peter Kay

You must be the change you want to see in the world. - Gandhi


Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. - Niels Bohr


Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.) - Ambrose Bierce


The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep. – A.P. Herbert


People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth.  Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes.  All is a miracle. - Thich Nhat Hanh


A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley


The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desires bring weak results, just as a small amount of fire makes a small amount of heat. - Napoleon Hill


Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? - Spike Milligan


Don't worry that children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you. – Robert Fulghum


The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid. - Art Spander


When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? – Unknown


A good friend will come and bail you out of jail but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!" – Unknown


Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome. - Jules W. Lederer


Old women with mobile phones look wrong. – Peter Kay

Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless. - Thomas A. Edison


What if this weren't a hypothetical question? - Unknown


It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that. - G. H. Hardy


A healthy male bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people’s patience. – John Updike


Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. - Groucho Marx


You can't make footprints in the sands of time by sitting on your tush. – Unknown


The greatest of all mistakes is to do nothing because you can only do a little. Do what you can. - Sydney Smith


Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Steven Wright

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children. - King Edward VIII


To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. – Dave Barry


Bad times have a scientific value. These are occasions a good learner would not miss. – Ralph Waldo Emerson


If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin


If we are to reach real peace in this world ... we shall have to begin with the children. - Mohandas Gandhi


Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln


The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. - Dudley Moore


I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career.  I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed.  I've failed over and over and over again in my life.  And that is why I succeed. – Michael Jordan


At 20 we worry about what others think of us; at 40, we don’t care what they think of us; at 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.  – Bob Hope


Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. – Dave Barry


Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. – Dave Barry


I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. - Robert Orben


God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. - Unknown


It must be borne in mind that the tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach. - Benjamin E. Mayes


This is my simple religion.  There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy.  Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; philosophy is kindness. – Dalai Lama


My Dad used to say “always fight fire with fire”, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. – Peter Kay

Anything the human mind can believe, the human mind can achieve. - Napoleon Hill


Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. – Unknown


So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.  - Will Rogers


The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question. - Stephen Jay Gould


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


The great use for life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. - William James


Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore. - Ogden Nash


My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles


I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. - Steven Wright

Love cures people -- both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Karl A. Menninger


I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy. - W. C. Fields


Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan


Our job is to leave the world a little better than we found it.  Not the same… not worse… better. – Gene Simmons


What year did Jesus think it was? – Unknown


Mistakes show us what we need to learn. - Peter McWilliams


Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone who is not obsessed with being right? - Wayne W. Dyer


All progress depends on the unreasonable man. - George Bernard Shaw


A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done. - Dwight D. Eisenhower,


Dust is a protective coating for fine furniture. - Mario Burata


Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - Susan Ertz


Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge. - Scott Adams


My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them. - Penn Jillette


Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. – Unknown


When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure. - Peter Marshal


Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. - Dave Barry


Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. – Peter Kay

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - Franklin P. Jones


It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. - Rod Serling


Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly - until you can learn to do it well. – Steve Brown


The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. - Robert R. Coveyou


Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock


Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. – Unknown


Things are only impossible until they're not. - Jean-Luc Picard


Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'. - Michael McClary


My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia. - Dame Edna Everage


Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. – Euripides


When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this: You haven't! - Thomas Edison


Weather forecast for tonight: dark, continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. - George Carlin


Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so. - Bertrand Russell


We understand why children are afraid of the darkness, but why are men afraid of the light? - Plato


It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. - Steven Wright


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