Still More Quotes…

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. – Dave Barry

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. – Sir Winston Churchill

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. – Dave Barry

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. – Unknown

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. - Steven Wright

Do you know why they call it "PMS"?  Because “Mad Cow Disease" was taken. - Author Unknown, presumed dead

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. - Woody Allen

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. – Dale Carnegie

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said are you going to help?' I said “No, Six should be enough.” – Peter Kay

I never know how much of what I say is true. - Bette Midler

The future is much like the present, only longer. - Dan Quisenberry

With just a little effort, life can be more or less exceptionally tolerable.  – Gene Simmons

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? - Lily Tomlin

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? – Unknown

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. - Steven Wright

To heal your body, you must first heal your spirit. – M. Scott Peck

There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, “Well, here I am!” and those who come in and say, “Ah, there you are.” - Frederick L Collins

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. – Dave Barry

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. - Clint Eastwood

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. - Douglas Adams

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. – Peter Kay

The genius of Man in our time has gone into jet-propulsion, atom-splitting, penicillin-curing, etc. There is none over for works of imagination; of spiritual insight or mystical enlightenment. I asked for bread and was given a tranquillizer. - Malcolm Muggeridge

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. - Mark Twain

Never fight an inanimate object. - P. J. O'Rourke

So what do we do?  Anything, something, so long as we just don’t sit there.  If we screw it up, start over.  Try something else.  If we wait until we’ve satisfied all the uncertainties, it may be too late. - Lee Iacocca

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. – Woody Allen

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. – Unknown

The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive. - John Sladek

Defeat is simply a signal to press onward. – Helen Keller

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. – Dave Barry

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. - Steven Wright

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Never let yesterday use up too much of today. - Will Rogers

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. - Anthony Burgess

I want to know God’s thoughts… the rest are details. – Albert Einstein

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. - Unknown

I had amnesia once -- maybe twice. - Steven Wright

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. - Rita Rudner

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date? – Peter Kay

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. - Richard Diran

Man can not live by bread alone. At the very least, it requires the addition of a little peanut butter and jelly. – Unknown

For fast acting relief; try slowing down. - Lily Tomlin

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. - H. L. Mencken

Women and cats do what they do; there is nothing a man can do about it.-Heinlein

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. – Woody Allen

The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it. - Doris Day

Who had deceived thee so often as thyself? – Benjamin Franklin

An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out. - Will Rogers

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? – Unknown

There is never enough time, unless you're serving it. - Malcolm Forbes

A recent survey shows that the commonest form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're WHAT???" – Unknown

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. – Woody Allen

Is French kissing in France just called kissing? – Peter Kay

A man's only as old as the woman he feels. - Groucho Marx

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

I just bought a cured ham. Wonder what it had? – Unknown

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Emo Phillips

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us. – Hermann Hesse

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. - Steven Wright

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.  - Phyllis Diller

Anger and intolerance are the twin enemies of correct understanding. – Mahatma Gandhi

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. – Sean O'Casey

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

If you are going through hell, keep going. – Sir Winston Churchill

All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song. - Louis Armstrong

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. - James Magary

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. – Unknown

If you want a place in the sun, you've got to expect a few blisters. - Abigail Van Buren

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. – Dave Barry

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. – Unknown

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. – Peter Kay

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M and M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat? – Peter Kay

I like life. It's something to do. - Ronnie Shakes

Slight not what's near, while aiming at what's far. – Euripides

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. - Rita Mae Brown

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. - Woody Allen

I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to
do it. - Pablo Picasso

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Steven Wright

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. - Mark Twain

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. – Unknown

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. - Jan King

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon. - Napoleon Bonaparte

You live and learn. At any rate, you live. - Douglas Adams

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. – Woody Allen

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. - Unknown

If people knew how hard I worked at my art, they would not consider me a genius. – Michelangelo

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. – Dave Barry

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. - Steven Wright

I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name. - Paula Poundstone

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.– T. S. Eliot

Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons. - Will Cuppy

Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand. - Confucius

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. - Johnny Carson

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.  - Leo F. Buscaglia

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. - George Carlin

Live well – respire frequently. – Gene Simmons

Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes. - Edgard Varese

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. – Unknown

Everything you can imagine is real. - Pablo Picasso

I think the world is run by 'C' students. - Al McGuire

What do people in China call their good plates? – Peter Kay

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow - what a Ride!" - Peter Sage

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reasons for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity." - Albert Einstein

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