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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Noel Coward

 

There are moments when everything goes well; don't be frightened, it won't last.
- Jules Renard

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck. - Elvis Presley

 

It is difficult to say who does us the most mischief, our enemies with the worst intentions or our friends with the best. – Unknown

 

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. - Abraham Lincoln

 

It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness. – Confucius

 

We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine. - H. L. Mencken

 

A lifetime is more than sufficiently long for people to get what there is of it wrong. - Unknown

 

The speed of time is one second per second. - Steven Wright

 

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

 

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once. - Charles Lamb

 

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. - W. C. Fields

 

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. – Dave Barry

 

There are two great days in a person's life -- the day we are born and the day we discover why. - William Barclay

 

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball

 

A goal is a dream with a deadline. - Napoleon Hill

 

If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. - Jaques Anatole Thibault

 

No matter what your past has been, you have a spotless future. -  Unknown

 

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. - Mickey Mouse

 

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? – Peter Kay
 

You must be the change you want to see in the world. - Gandhi

 

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. - Niels Bohr

 

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.) - Ambrose Bierce

 

The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep. – A.P. Herbert

 

People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth.  Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes.  All is a miracle. - Thich Nhat Hanh

 

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

 

The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desires bring weak results, just as a small amount of fire makes a small amount of heat. - Napoleon Hill

 

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? - Spike Milligan

 

Don't worry that children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you. – Robert Fulghum

 

The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid. - Art Spander

 

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? – Unknown

 

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!" – Unknown

 

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome. - Jules W. Lederer

 

Old women with mobile phones look wrong. – Peter Kay

Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless. - Thomas A. Edison

 

What if this weren't a hypothetical question? - Unknown

 

It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that. - G. H. Hardy

 

A healthy male bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people’s patience. – John Updike

 

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. - Groucho Marx

 

You can't make footprints in the sands of time by sitting on your tush. – Unknown

 

The greatest of all mistakes is to do nothing because you can only do a little. Do what you can. - Sydney Smith

 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Steven Wright
 

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children. - King Edward VIII

 

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. – Dave Barry

 

Bad times have a scientific value. These are occasions a good learner would not miss. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin

 

If we are to reach real peace in this world ... we shall have to begin with the children. - Mohandas Gandhi

 

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln

 

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. - Dudley Moore

 

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career.  I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed.  I've failed over and over and over again in my life.  And that is why I succeed. – Michael Jordan

 

At 20 we worry about what others think of us; at 40, we don’t care what they think of us; at 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.  – Bob Hope

 

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. – Dave Barry

 

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. – Dave Barry

 

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. - Robert Orben

 

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. - Unknown

 

It must be borne in mind that the tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach. - Benjamin E. Mayes

 

This is my simple religion.  There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy.  Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; philosophy is kindness. – Dalai Lama

 

My Dad used to say “always fight fire with fire”, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. – Peter Kay

Anything the human mind can believe, the human mind can achieve. - Napoleon Hill

 

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. – Unknown

 

So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.  - Will Rogers

 

The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question. - Stephen Jay Gould

 

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

The great use for life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. - William James

 

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore. - Ogden Nash

 

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

 

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. - Steven Wright

Love cures people -- both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Karl A. Menninger

 

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy. - W. C. Fields

 

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

 

Our job is to leave the world a little better than we found it.  Not the same… not worse… better. – Gene Simmons

 

What year did Jesus think it was? – Unknown

 

Mistakes show us what we need to learn. - Peter McWilliams

 

Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone who is not obsessed with being right? - Wayne W. Dyer

 

All progress depends on the unreasonable man. - George Bernard Shaw

 

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done. - Dwight D. Eisenhower,

 

Dust is a protective coating for fine furniture. - Mario Burata

 

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - Susan Ertz

 

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge. - Scott Adams

 

My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them. - Penn Jillette

 

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. – Unknown

 

When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure. - Peter Marshal

 

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. - Dave Barry

 

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. – Peter Kay

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - Franklin P. Jones

 

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. - Rod Serling

 

Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly - until you can learn to do it well. – Steve Brown

 

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. - Robert R. Coveyou

 

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock

 

Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. – Unknown

 

Things are only impossible until they're not. - Jean-Luc Picard

 

Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'. - Michael McClary

 

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia. - Dame Edna Everage

 

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. – Euripides

 

When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this: You haven't! - Thomas Edison

 

Weather forecast for tonight: dark, continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. - George Carlin

 

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so. - Bertrand Russell

 

We understand why children are afraid of the darkness, but why are men afraid of the light? - Plato

 

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. - Steven Wright

 

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