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Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. – Woody Allen

If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.  - Professor Irwin Corey

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust." – Unknown

Remember that happiness is as contagious as gloom. It should be the first duty of those who are happy to let others know of their gladness. – Maurice Maeterlinck

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  I have since been visited by her sister ....and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others. - Jules Renard

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. – Albert Einstein

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.  The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. - George Burns

If you don’t know where you’re going, how are you going to know when you get there?  - Gene Simmons

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. - Jerry Seinfeld

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim. - Paula Poundstone

I don’t know why people question the academic training of an athlete.  Fifty percent of the doctors in the country graduated in the bottom half of their classes. – Al McGuire

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies. - Adrienne Gusoff

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made. - Unknown

What if there were no hypothetical questions? - Steven Wright

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. – Woody Allen

Although our intellect always longs for clarity and certainty, our nature often finds uncertainty fascinating. – Carl von Clausewitz

A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.

- W.C. Fields

Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute? - Unknown

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? - Ronnie Shakes

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. - Martin Luther King Jr.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. – Benjamin Franklin

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. - Abraham Lincoln

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. - Steven Wright

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. - Will Rogers

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. - Bill Cosby

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators could be dead. - Johnny Carson

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. – Groucho Marx

Look for the ridiculous in everything, and you will find it. - Jules Renard

The trouble with life is that you're half-way through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing. – Unknown

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. – Dave Barry

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. - Leo Tolstoy

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them. - Lawrence Welk

Half the people you know are below average. – Steven Wright

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

When I was young we used to go skinny "dipping" now I just "chunky dunk." - Unknown

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and
so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which
open for us. - Alexander Graham Bell

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. – Steven Wright

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. – Mahatma Gandhi

We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know. – W. H. Auden

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." - Conan O'Brien

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. – Herm Albright

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. – Dave Barry

Do not bite at the bait of pleasure till you know there is no hook. – Thomas Jefferson

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. – Woody Allen

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. – Dave Barry

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place. – Unknown

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. – Thomas Jefferson

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease ... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers! – Unknown

I just had an idea that went right over my head. - Lawrence Welk

Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in. – Andrew Jackson

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? -Marilyn Pittman

I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb. - Freddie Starr.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. - Mark Twain

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener. – Unknown

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him
absolutely no good. - Ann Landers

I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times, the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right. – Albert Einstein

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. - Steven Wright

Success is figuring out what God put you on this earth to do...And doing it. - Rhea Perry

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. - Unknown

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines! - Steven Wright

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. – Unknown

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". - Eleanor Roosevelt

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. - David Letterman.

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. – Mahatma Gandhi

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. – Benjamin Franklin

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. – Albert Einstein

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. – Woody Allen

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. - Douglas Adams

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. - Drew Carey

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. - Elbert Hubbard

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. - Joe Namath

Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion. – Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. - Rita Rudner

I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it. – Dwight D. Eisenhower

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? – Dave Barry

Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. – Unknown

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. - Emo Phillips

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. – Groucho Marx

Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream. - Malcolm Muggeridge

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.  – Woody Allen

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. – Albert Einstein

Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson

I am not sincere, even when I say I am not.
- Jules Renard

A rut is just a grave with both ends kicked out.  It’s not a good place to be. – Unknown

Whenever you have a minute I'd like to see you right now. - Lawrence Welk

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schulz

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears. – Arthur Koestler

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. - Mel Brooks

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. – Dave Barry

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. - Unknown

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? - Steven Wright

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