WHINING WAYS

 

The following article is taken from the June 29, 2006 edition of Bottom Line’s Daily Health News newsletter and is reprinted here in its entirely by permission of Boardroom, Inc.

 

 

Whining is one of the childhood behaviors most disliked by adults -- it's plain annoying, grating and unproductive. Meanwhile, it's also a behavior that many adults still engage in -- a lot. In fact, according to Lauren Zander, Principal of The Handel Group, a consultancy that helps corporations to flourish by helping individuals to reach their true potential within the organization and Meredith Haberfeld, CEO of Handel Group subsidiary Personal-Evolution www.personal-evolution.com, most adults have carefully disguised their whining by removing the irritating intonation from their voice or simply by doing most of their whining in their own heads, to a spouse or to a best friend. But that doesn't make whining any less toxic.

 

No matter the form, whining is highly unproductive for the simple reason that it takes the place of proactively taking action to change things. As such, it becomes a major stumbling block standing in the way of healthier habits, a richer and more fulfilling life and better, more loving relationships. Once you're aware of how prevalent whining is, you'll understand why I wanted to share Lauren and Meredith's philosophy on how to rid ourselves and our world of whining.

 

THE WHYS OF WHINING

 

People whine when they feel powerless -- or at least when they think they're powerless. Children form the habit of whining because they quickly learn it can get them something they want that they can't (or choose not to) get for themselves. Say a child can't reach the milk on the counter -- whine to mom and it's pretty much a given that she'll hand it over. Adults can reach the milk, of course, but like the child, they sometimes feel as if they, too, are powerless to get what they want. The result is the grown-up whine, often what Lauren terms the "I'm so helpless," whine. Example: "I'd really love to meet you for dinner, but I'm so overwhelmed with ridiculous deadlines at work, I don't see how I can possibly go out." The "I'm helpless" whine in fact masks what Lauren calls a "complaint." While this example is a whine that is actually a complaint about being overworked, whine complaints can be about anything -- a spouse, your health, your body or numerous other things. Whatever its specific content, any whine is a danger signal that you have convinced yourself that you are powerless to change the situation and get what you want.

 

If whining reinforces individuals' lack of power, then why do they do it? Oddly, the disappointment and sadness inherent to a whine are also the basis of its rewards. Showing you are sad or disappointed brings a certain sense of virtue -- because you whine it shows that you care. You wish the situation were different, but it's not your fault, you are helpless to change it and you accept that "fact." It actually frees the individual from having to take responsibility to change the situation while allowing him to pretend that he is making an effort to change it.

 

THE GUILT-RIDDEN WHINE

 

There is another form of whine that Meredith calls the "guilt-ridden whine," which is in reality a strategic manipulation through guilt. For example, a woman may whine to her husband that all of her friends have new fur coats and they are so lucky. The husband might whine that he eats alone most nights of the week because his wife works such long hours. These are emotional responses that clearly have a request within (the husband wants his wife home, the wife wants a fur coat), but whiners don't see that. In fact, rather than ask outright for what they want, the whiners instead indulge in pity parties where they tell their tales of misery and gain sympathy from colleagues and friends. While this strategy gives the individual sympathy, he or she does not get what he really wants -- in these examples, the coat or the wife's companionship.

 

TAKING ACTION FOR WHAT YOU WANT

 

Given how often people whine, it is actually very difficult for them to recognize they are doing it and why. But if you don't identify the whine, you can't stop it or change the circumstances, says Lauren.

 

She advises searching back through the last three days of your interior running monologue and conversations with close friends to highlight, specifically, the subjects that expressed sadness and disappointment and write them down. Think about what you complained about to yourself or to others. You might discover your repeating theme has to do with your job, a desire to live elsewhere or how you wish it were possible for you to lose weight or quit smoking. You will likely find pop-up whines as well... for example, how much you'd love to buy a new suit or take a weekend at the beach. By seeing these thoughts for the whines they are -- hidden desires for change -- and then bringing them out of the closet, you start a potentially powerful process, says Lauren. Without recognition, whining continues to be a trap because it's a pacifier that keeps you stuck rather than acting to change your life. You feel as if you're doing something about what is bothering you because you talk about it. The reality, however, is that you are not. With your list in hand, you can look at it and decide what you want to change, what you want to drop and what you're willing to accept -- without whining about it.

 

ADULTS ARE CHILDREN, TOO

 

To correct a whiny child, experts advise saying this: "When you ask me for what you want instead of whining, I'll get it for you." There is wisdom in those words for adults as well. Often an investigation demands searching behind the whine to figure out what you actually want to ask for. Let's say, for example, that your running monologue to yourself and others concerns your spouse's many golf games. Is the real problem the trips or the fact that you are feeling neglected in the marriage and that is what you need to resolve? Once you realize the issue and address what your real needs are, the frequent business trips may be annoying, but you will no longer whine about them because you will have addressed the real issue.

 

Finally, if and how you whine about other people might contain an important insight about a blind spot in your own life, says Meredith. If you find yourself whining about how your friend is doing nothing to correct her foundering marriage or how another friend is ignoring his poor financial structure, ask yourself if the message is really about your own marriage or finances. Often, says Meredith, what people whine about in others is a perfect signpost for what they need to work on in their own life and a signal that it's time to address it.

 

Copyright 2006 by Boardroom, Inc.

 

 

Reprinted with the permission of:

Daily Health News

Boardroom, Inc.

281 Tresser Blvd, 8th Floor

Stamford, CT 06901

www.BottomLineSecrets.com

 

 

 

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