Backyard Land Mines (Dog Poop)



Part of our yard has the designation of “dog pen”.  It is easily accessible from the house through a doggie door (and no, I get to use the real door), it gives the dogs a good area to run, play and bark – and keeps them from running off across the yards to terrorize the neighbors.  And of course, it also serves as the doggie poop repository. 


Being a conscientious homeowner – and a good neighbor – periodically I’ll truck my buns out to the dog pen to scoop up the deposits (land mines). 


After 40-some years of poop scooping, here’s what I know: 


Ten pounds of dog food will produce fifteen pounds of poop. 


Dog poop is lousy fertilizer. 


A dog that eats Christmas tree tinsel will produce decorated poop.  Any chewed toys, balls, plastic bottle caps or slippers will eventually show up in the poop. 


No matter how painstakingly you try to scoop up every bit of poop in the yard, you will always miss at least two piles. 


As soon as you have the yard clean, your dog will need to poop. 


If you walk out into the yard after dark, you will always step in the freshest poop pile. 


If you try to mow without scooping poop, you will always run the wheels over the freshest pile. 


Poop will frequently cement itself to the grass which will result in the destruction of a square yard of lawn if you try to scoop it. 


Attempting to scoop any single pile will result in the escape of at least two turds from that pile.  It may take three or four tries to capture them.  (OK, this may be totally a personal coordination problem…)


When using a plastic supermarket bag as a receptacle, one handle will always fold over and get contaminated with poop. 


A plastic bag will hold ten pounds of poop.  Don’t drop the plastic bag. 


A gushy poop pile can never be completely hosed off of anything.  The cement-based part of it will forever stay firmly attached to wherever it was deposited. 


A rotary mower is incapable of sucking up and pulverizing all of a petrified poop pile no matter how many times you run over it. 


Once a lawn is seeded with dog poop, you will always have more poop piles to scoop even after you no longer have a dog.  (I haven’t actually experienced this one, I am just expecting it to happen – like a poop curse.) 


During inclement weather (raining, snowing, etc.) the poop piles will appear closer to the door.  You will step in one of them. 


There is no good, practical use for dog poop.  None.




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