11 Ways to be Absolutely Miserable




It seems that some folks are hell bent on living uncomfortable to miserable lives.  Through their words and actions they consistently reinforce their discomfort – and are then quick to share the results of their efforts with everyone around them.  If for some strange reason you feel compelled to trudge even deeper into the Swamp of Misery, here are a few hints to help you on your way.


1. Complain: About everything you can possibly think of – the weather, the traffic, your crappy lot in life, your boss, your spouse, the neighbors, your car, your furniture, your face, your finances, the economy, the government, your parents and in-laws, your shoes, the schools, TV programming, your hair, the waitress, your dog, your toe…  With just a little more effort – and with practice – you should be able to complain about nearly everything!


2. Be a Victim:  Accept absolutely no responsibility for anything that is happening to you.  Firmly believe that it’s not your fault.  Nothing is your fault.  Nothing…


3. Live in the Past:  Remember - and talk about - all the crappy things that have happened to you so far.  Talk about the rotten people who have been so mean to you.  Complain about every uncomfortable situation you can think of.  Blame all of these terrible things for your present lousy lifestyle.


4. Carry Grudges:  Forgive no one for anything bad they ever did or said to you.  They were being mean and hurt your feelings.  They are awful, inconsiderate human beings.


5. Refuse to Accept Reality:  When anything does not happen exactly the way you want it to, immediately start bitching about it – loudly. It’s just not fair!  Express your feelings to everyone around you.


6. Believe that You are the Center of the Universe:  You are the only important person in this whole world.  No one else matters.  No other person’s opinion, feelings, schedule or situation counts.  It’s your way or no way!  Make sure everyone knows it.


7. Hang out with Miserable People:  Spend as much time as you can with people who are cranky, bitchy, whiney, complaining human beings.  They are already well on their way to total misery.  Let them be your mentor.


8. Be a Couch Potato:  Do nothing that involves any amount of physical exertion.  Avoid productive activities such as housework or yard work.  Spend most of your day in front of the TV.  Let your living conditions deteriorate.  Be a slob.  With little to no effort you can do it.


9. Try to be Sick:  Over-focus on your body.  Be aware of every little fault, blemish, bruise, discomfort, sound, or twinges of pain.  Check frequently to see if your temperature is above normal.  Belch a lot and whine about feeling nauseated.  At the first sign of a cold or flu, complain loudly about how bad you feel.  Make sick sounds.  Take lots of medications and go to bed.  Keep complaining…


10. Eat Garbage:  Forget the balanced diet crap.  Eat mostly fast foods – junk foods.  Cram your face with high calorie, fatty snacks.  Keep bags and boxes full of them next to the couch.  Wash them down with huge amounts of beer or soft drinks.  Hint:  The more junk you eat, the more likely you are to feel sick.  See how these things can work together to your benefit?


11. Learn Nothing:  You already know everything you need to know.  Refuse to try to better yourself.  Sneer at other’s opinions, suggestions or recommendations – on everything.  They’re all idiots!  Be curious about nothing.  Stay on the couch.  Watch TV – and bitch about how bad life is.


See how easy it is to be miserable?  It doesn’t take much effort at all.  Hundreds of thousands (millions?) of people have already succeeded.  Care to join them…?



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