WHINING WAYS
The following article is taken from the
Whining
is one of the childhood behaviors most disliked by adults -- it's plain
annoying, grating and unproductive. Meanwhile, it's also a behavior that many
adults still engage in -- a lot.
In fact, according to Lauren Zander, Principal of The
Handel Group, a consultancy that helps corporations to flourish by helping
individuals to reach their true potential within the organization and Meredith Haberfeld,
No
matter the form, whining is highly unproductive for the simple reason that it
takes the place of proactively taking action to change things. As such, it
becomes a major stumbling block standing in the way of healthier habits, a
richer and more fulfilling life and better, more loving relationships. Once
you're aware of how prevalent whining is, you'll understand why I wanted to
share Lauren and Meredith's philosophy on how to rid ourselves and our world of
whining.
THE WHYS OF
WHINING
People
whine when they feel powerless -- or at least when they think they're
powerless. Children form the habit of whining because they quickly learn it can
get them something they want that they can't (or choose not to) get for
themselves. Say a child can't reach the milk on the counter -- whine to mom and
it's pretty much a given that she'll hand it over. Adults can reach the milk,
of course, but like the child, they sometimes feel as if they, too, are
powerless to get what they want. The result is the grown-up whine, often what
Lauren terms the "I'm so helpless," whine. Example: "I'd really love to meet
you for dinner, but I'm so overwhelmed with ridiculous deadlines at work, I
don't see how I can possibly go out." The "I'm helpless" whine
in fact masks what Lauren calls a "complaint." While this example is
a whine that is actually a complaint about being overworked, whine complaints
can be about anything -- a spouse, your health, your body or numerous other
things. Whatever its specific content, any whine is a danger signal that you
have convinced yourself that you are powerless to change the situation and get
what you want.
If
whining reinforces individuals' lack of power, then why do they do it? Oddly,
the disappointment and sadness inherent to a whine are also the basis of its
rewards. Showing you are sad or disappointed brings a certain sense of virtue
-- because you whine it shows that you care. You wish the situation were
different, but it's not your fault, you are helpless to change it and you
accept that "fact." It actually frees the individual from having to
take responsibility to change the situation while allowing him to pretend that
he is making an effort to change it.
THE
GUILT-RIDDEN WHINE
There
is another form of whine that Meredith calls the "guilt-ridden
whine," which is in reality a strategic manipulation through guilt. For
example, a woman may whine to her husband that all of her friends have new fur
coats and they are so lucky. The husband might whine that he eats alone most
nights of the week because his wife works such long hours. These are emotional
responses that clearly have a request within (the husband wants his wife home,
the wife wants a fur coat), but whiners don't see that. In fact, rather than
ask outright for what they want, the whiners instead indulge in pity parties where
they tell their tales of misery and gain sympathy from colleagues and friends.
While this strategy gives the individual sympathy, he or she does not get what
he really wants -- in these examples, the coat or the wife's companionship.
TAKING ACTION
FOR WHAT YOU WANT
Given
how often people whine, it is actually very difficult for them to recognize
they are doing it and why. But if you don't identify the whine, you can't stop
it or change the circumstances, says Lauren.
She
advises searching back through the last three days of your interior running
monologue and conversations with close friends to highlight, specifically, the
subjects that expressed sadness and disappointment and write them down. Think
about what you complained about to yourself or to others. You might discover
your repeating theme has to do with your job, a desire to live elsewhere or how
you wish it were possible for you to lose weight or quit smoking. You will
likely find pop-up whines as well... for example, how much you'd love to buy a
new suit or take a weekend at the beach. By seeing these thoughts for the
whines they are -- hidden desires for change -- and then bringing them out of
the closet, you start a potentially powerful process, says Lauren. Without
recognition, whining continues to be a trap because it's a pacifier that keeps
you stuck rather than acting to change your life. You feel as if you're doing
something about what is bothering you because you talk about it. The reality,
however, is that you are not. With your list in hand, you can look at it and
decide what you want to change, what you want to drop and what you're willing
to accept -- without whining about it.
ADULTS
To
correct a whiny child, experts advise saying this: "When you ask me for what you want instead of
whining, I'll get it for you." There is wisdom in those words for adults
as well. Often an investigation demands searching behind the whine to figure
out what you actually want to ask for. Let's say, for example, that your running
monologue to yourself and others concerns your spouse's many golf games. Is the
real problem the trips or the fact that you are feeling neglected in the
marriage and that is what you need to resolve? Once you realize the issue and
address what your real needs are, the frequent business trips may be annoying,
but you will no longer whine about them because you will have addressed the
real issue.
Finally,
if and how you whine about other people might contain an important insight
about a blind spot in your own life, says Meredith. If you find yourself
whining about how your friend is doing nothing to correct her foundering
marriage or how another friend is ignoring his poor financial structure, ask
yourself if the message is really about your own marriage or finances. Often,
says Meredith, what people whine about in others is a perfect signpost for what
they need to work on in their own life and a signal that it's time to address
it.
Copyright 2006 by Boardroom, Inc.
Reprinted with the permission of:
Daily Health News
Boardroom, Inc.
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