Random Thoughts of an Old (Weird) Geezer

Chapter 1

My First Thought

Holy crap, I AM an old geezer! Hey, to think that I’m nearly 69 (one of a handful of significant numbers in our counting system) isn’t so bad, but to think of it as almost SEVEN DECADES… holy crap! But I repeat myself. Pressing on…

That Reminds Me…

What’s the first thing that goes through a bug’s mind when he hits the windshield? His ass! I know, dumb but I couldn’t resist. Sorry…

I Know I’m Weird

This is reality. It’s probably a good thing that I recognize it as fact or I would be stumbling through life thinking it was everybody else that was screwed up. At least now I am pretty sure that we’re all messed up to some extent. Cool. It helps make life really interesting. And yeah, a royal pain in the ass at times, but interesting nonetheless.

Speaking of weird, I just noticed that “weird” is weird. We need to change the old rule of thumb to “I before E except after C – and sometimes W”. You may pencil that into your English 101 book if you wish.

Flatus

It seems that as I get older, my aging digestive tract has developed an amazing ability to produce vast amounts of gas no matter what I eat. (For those of you not familiar with the word “flatus”, are you tracking with me now?) Beans are still the primary culprit, however. So far I have retained enough of my senses to know when the pressure is building and to be able to control the release reasonably well. Some day I expect I shall lose these abilities which will likely prompt pointing and snickering of those nearby. Before I get to that point though, I think I’ll just slide a few out now and then – on purpose – just for the hell of it. The things we older folks do to amuse ourselves.

Videos

It seems to me that we humans have become lazy – and over-accustomed to being spoon fed our information. We have YouTube and BoobTube and gigantic assortments of videos on just about every web site you’ll visit. This includes videos of nothing but talking heads. Peachy! True, there are many times where videos can better tell the story or show the action. And yes, that is in addition to THOSE kinds of videos. But I wonder – are we losing our desire and maybe even our ability to read and comprehend? This could become a major problem on down the road. Therefore – I salute all you “readers” out there! May you propagate profusely…

My Favorite Cartoon

Thanks to Gary Larson’s (The Far Side) creativeness – Two spiders talking about the web they’ve spun between the supports at the bottom of a playground slide… “If we pull this off, we’ll eat like kings.”

We should be Nicer than We Are

As I’m writing this, our US Congressmen & women are holding public forums to discuss and gather input related to health reform. Even though I suspect as a member of the viewing public that I’m being shown mainly the more “sensational” parts, I’m still seeing way too much disrespect, confrontational language and yes, even anger than I would hope to see from a member of a civilized society. I occasionally read blog comments that range from just smart-assed to total put-downs of the blogger and other commenters. And, I even hear of disrespectful, unkind language spewing out of the mouths of preschoolers. You can about bet that the younger folks have learned this (or at least have implied permission to do this) from their parents or guardians. However, there is no excuse for reasonably mature adults to act this way. None…

My Second Favorite Cartoon

Maybe also by Gary Larson – not sure. Two vultures sitting up on an old dead tree branch. One is looking at the other and saying “Patience my ass. Let’s go kill something!”

Shoes

I don’t care much for shoes and rarely (almost never) wear them around the house or out in the yard. Unless I’m mowing and then I’ll opt for safety over comfort. Then of course, there’s winter. Shoes outside just make sense when it’s near freezing and there is ice and snow on the ground. However… just to find out, I once went outside barefooted – when there was about three inches of snow on the ground. Did you know you can feel the cold on the bottom of your feet all the way up to your ass? An interesting sensation really.

Gravity Alert

We hear a lot about pollution and the effects global warming is having on our environment. And being the good doobie that I am, I’m trying to do my little part to help reduce my carbon footprint. That’s all well and good, but I am seeing another equally serious problem. The earth’s gravity is increasing. Whether we realize it or not, this will have a major impact on every one of us. My observations are based on personal experience – and it has become more and more obvious over the past dozen or so years. Here’s what I’m experiencing. Items are becoming harder to lift than when I was younger. It takes considerably more effort on my part to lift a 20 pound bag of dog food – or a cement block – or a 5 gallon pail of paint – than it used to. I’m even finding it more difficult to pry my butt up out of the recliner. The only cause I can identify is that this must be due to an increase in gravity. Everything is becoming heavier. Since this is no doubt caused by an increase in the earth’s mass, there is probably not a damn thing we can do about it. Guess we’ll just have to live with it. Oh well, as long as I can get the fork to my mouth and the beverage glass to my lips I guess I can keep on truckin’. Yeah, it’ll be OK…

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