The Office Christmas Party
MEMO TO
RE: Christmas PARTY ON DEC. 23RD
DATE: DEC. 1ST
I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended
to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an
important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately
not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa
at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols
sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 5
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a
member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't
sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How
am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts
exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money
and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL
BE ALLOWED.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 6
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no
idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we
can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party — the days are so short this time of year — or else package
everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of
Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each
other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men - each will have their own
table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the
person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We
will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for
those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for
those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh
fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot
supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter
Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on
your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our
"earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in
a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or
family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also
the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at
the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the
announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I
care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you
people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether
you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the
"grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
#$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic
tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right now! > HA !
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
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FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources
Director
DATE: December 12
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing
Patty a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to
forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
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