Christmas
with Louise
The following is apparently an article
submitted to a Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest
Christmas dinner. It won first prize.
CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of
pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for
Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year, I decided to make his dream come
true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They
don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore
downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this
do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll
section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during
rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love
dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side
of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I
settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price
scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old
bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let
me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I
filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I
went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning
my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present
that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark,
start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that
Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire
her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she
walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My
brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with
something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind,
but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer
her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have
any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
"Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the
fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed
Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually
flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas
at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small
talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly
Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and
fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce
through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair
and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered
that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
perfect health. And went on to attend several stag parties and star in a home
video or two.
I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he
can get out of the house.
Author Unknown
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