Things You’ll Probably Never See in a Grocery Store


You’ll probably never see:

Swordfish Helper

A sweet roll package label reading: “Free – 20% More Calories”

A pasta label reading: “Crammed with Carbs

An artificial crab meat label: “It’s Not Crab Meat – It’s Just Fish”

A beef label: “Dragged Directly from the Feedlot to Your Table”

A chicken label: “Raised in Immobility to Promote Flaccidity”

A veggie promotion: “Grown in 100% Human Excrement”

A lunch meat label: “Contains only Premium Animal Residue”

A butter label: “It’s Better Cooked in Saturated Fat”

A tuna label: “Contains Energy Boosting Mercury”

A hot dog label: “Made with the Best Viscera We Could Find”

A cereal label: “20 Percent Fewer Insect Parts”

Another cereal label: “So Sweet It Will Make Your Teeth Ache”

Still another cereal label: “Minimal Nutritional Value Guaranteed”

Another veggie promotion: “We’re Insect Free with DDT”

A laxative label: “We’ll Have You Crapping Your Pants in No Time”

An aspirin label: “Rots Your Stomach Lining on Contact”

A canned juice label: “Contains 98% Natural Water”

A milk label: “We Squeeze Teats Better than Anyone”

An egg label: “Our Chickens’ Work Their Butts Off for You”

A cottage cheese label: “The Best Tasting Spoiled Milk in Town”

A frozen dinner label: “It’s Not the Taste that’s Important. It’s the Cooking Speed”

A fish sticks label: “Made with Only Select Fin and Tail Scraps”

A furniture polish label: “Up to 70% Water Content”

A breaded shrimp label: “Guaranteed – Less than 20% Shrimp Meat by Weight”

Still another cereal label: “Box Intentionally Filled to 60% of Capacity”

A frozen pizza label: “30% Fewer Toppings – 50% Less Taste”

A candy bar label: “Packaged in a Smaller Size to Reduce Calories and Maximize Profits”

A detergent label: “A New Improved Label on the Same Old Familiar Product”

Another detergent label: “Reduces Washer Dirt Particle Discharge by 40%”

A dish washing detergent label: “Improves Muscle Tone through Additional Scrubbing Efforts”

A hot dog bun label: “Contains Only 8 Buns – Count ‘Em”

A white bread label: “Guaranteed Not to Contain Nutritional Whole Grains”

A children’s instant lunch pack label: “Speed of Preparation Wins over Nutrition”

A refried bean label: “It’s the Fat that Provides the Flavor”

A ketchup label: “Contains 50% More Sugar than You’d Expect”

A beef stew label: “We Keep Old Cows from Going to Waste”

A ground coffee label: “Contains Absolutely No Genuine Columbian Beans”

A canned chili label: “Experience the GERD Surge”

And – you’ll probably never see Lobster Helper either (just thought I’d mention that…)


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