More Bumper Stickers…




5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

Archeologists will date any old thing.


I suffer from C.R.S. (can't remember shit)

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges!

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.

Jesus is coming - Everyone look busy!

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?


Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Love thy neighbor – but don’t brag about it!

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Oh sure. But what's the speed of dark?


Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.


If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes


I drive like lightning. I hit trees.


How is it possible to have a civil war?

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

Custer got Siouxed


If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it WRONG!

If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.


Avenge Yourself - Be a problem to your children.

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

If you’re born again, do you get another belly button?

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

Old upholsterers never die. They always recover.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.


Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

I finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it


First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being Mean.

Saturday has a morning?

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.


Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don’t have to do it?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Warning! I know KARATE!! (and seven other oriental words)

You say "bitch" like it’s a bad thing.

In theory, everything works.


Hire teenagers while they still know everything!


All generalizations are false.

Computers help us to do stupid things faster!


A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.


How come we choose from just two people for President and from 50 for Miss America?

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous.

All men are Animals! But if you can train them, they make good pets.

Heading in the wrong direction? God allows U-turns.


If I ever want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Never drive faster than your Guardian Angel can fly.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Forget Love - I want to fall in Chocolate


Anything not nailed down is a cat toy!

I am suffering from a Sexually Transmitted Disease: Children!

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

If a man is talking in the woods and there’s no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Time is the best teacher.  Unfortunately, it kills all its students!


Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons.

Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.

Bad spellers of the world unight


Flying saucers are real. The Air Force doesn't exist.

I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

My job drives me to drink. If it wasn't for that, I'D QUIT!

Life is too complicated in the morning.

A man is as old as he feels, but never as important.

I want to make love in the worst way – standing up in a canoe

Romance is like a game of chess: one false move and you're mated.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok they know me here.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I'm immortal, so far.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Witches are Crafty People!

I doubt, therefore I might be


Ever stop to think – and then forget to start again?

Dad’s the boss.  Right Mommy?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Hire teenagers while they still know everything!


On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

What a nice night for an evening.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Don't Be Sexist. Broads Hate That!

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Absolute zero is Cool.

Did you forget God? Or was I supposed to pick him up!


If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.


Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

When faced with two evils, take the one you never tried before!

You're just jealous because the Voices only talk to ME.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?


Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.


If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?


Virginity is curable.


Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home!

FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).

I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.

Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.


Was today really necessary?

Chicken Little was Right!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Witches do it in circles!

Conserve water.  Shower with a friend.

Blondes arent dumm

I’m not a complete idiot.  Some parts ARE missing…

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it!

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

When all else fails, manipulate the data!

Stupidity is not a crime. You're free to go.


To all you virgins... thanks for nothing.

I'm immortal, so far.

I started with nothing, and I still have most of it left!


I live in my own little world, but it's OK - they know me here.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Worry. God knows all about you.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Dogs think they're human. Cats think they're gods.

I brake for… wait… AAAH!… NO BRAKES!!!


24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.


I love kids, but I can't eat a whole one

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

My reality check bounced!

If you are psychic, think "HONK"

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Black Holes are where God divided by zero.

I'm out of bed and dressed.  What more do you want?

Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more!

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

You! Out of the Gene Pool!

Wars are not fought to decide who is right. Only who is left.


I need patience. NOW!


You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you drink don't park.  Accidents cause people.

If it has tits or tires you’re going to have a problem with it.

XXX the censors!





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