Letters to John
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 14
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree.
What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn’t have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle
Doves! I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 16
Dearest
John:
Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 17
Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you’re being too
romantic. They are beautiful, but don’t you think that enough is enough?
Affectionately,
Agnes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Agnes
McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 18
Dearest
John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each
finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
Love,
Agnes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Agnes
McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 20
John:
What’s with you and those frickin birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a damn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck - it’s not funny. So stop with those frickin birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Agnes
McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 21
OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a
Milking? It’s not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had
to bring their damn cows! There’s shit all over the lawn and I can’t move in my
own house.
Just lay
off me, smartass!
Agnes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 22
Hey Shithead:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers
Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven’t stopped chasing those
maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all
over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started
a petition to evict me!
You’ll get
yours!
Agnes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 23
You Rotten
Prick!
Now there’s Ten Ladies Dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies.
They’ve been humping those pipers all night long. The cows can’t sleep and
they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of
buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn’t be condemned.
I’m siccing the police on you.
One who
means it!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 24
Listen Dickhead:
What’s with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those
broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been
committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead - they’ve been trampled
to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Law
Offices
Badger, Bender & Cajole
December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers
Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All
future correspondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to
contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find
attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger,
Bender & Cajole
Author Unknown
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