Letters to John

 

 

 

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 14

 

Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift!   I couldnít have been more surprised.

 

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes

 

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 15

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! Iím just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

 

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 16

Dearest John:

Oh, arenít you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I donít deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, youíve been too kind.

 

Love,

Agnes

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 17

 

Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, youíre being too romantic. They are beautiful, but donít you think that enough is enough?

 

Affectionately,

Agnes

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 18

 

Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. Youíre just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

Love,

Agnes

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 19

Dear John:

When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So youíre back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I canít sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 20

 

John:

Whatís with you and those frickin birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a damn joke is this? Thereís bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I canít sleep at night and Iím a nervous wreck - itís not funny. So stop with those frickin birds!

 

Sincerely,

Agnes

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 21

 

OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? Itís not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows! Thereís shit all over the lawn and I canít move in my own house.

 

Just lay off me, smartass!

Agnes

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 22

 

Hey Shithead:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They havenít stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and theyíre stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!

Youíll get yours!

Agnes

 

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 23

You Rotten Prick!
Now thereís Ten Ladies Dancing. I donít know why I call those sluts ladies. Theyíve been humping those pipers all night long. The cows canít sleep and theyíve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldnít be condemned.

 

Iím siccing the police on you.

One who means it!!

 

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
December 24

 

Listen Dickhead:
Whatís with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead - theyíve been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope youíre satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

 

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Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Il

December 25

 

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future correspondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.

 

Cordially,

Badger, Bender & Cajole

 

 

Author Unknown

 

 

 

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