In Honor of St.
Paddy’s Day…
LOST
LUGGAGE
An Irishman arrived at
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
##########################
WATER
TO WINE
An Irish priest is driving down to
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"
###########################
THE
BROTHEL
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across
the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them
said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin'
bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin'
victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."
########################
LOST AT
SEA
Two Irishmen,
Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To
the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without
giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire
ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire
sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the
genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the
stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going
to have to pee in the boat!"
###################
THE
FALL
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
"Please
Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
############################
YOU’VE
BEEN DRINKING AGAIN
An
Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that
the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside
and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl
the four blocks home.
Again,
he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he
managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is
sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What
makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again!"
###########################
THE
MARTINIS
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing
the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and
all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer,
who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "What
was that all about?"
"Nothin', said
the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
#####################
Three Irishmen,
Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and
found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come
have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of
87."
"That's
nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just
then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella
that got to be 145!"
"What
was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus
stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on
the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from
#########################
IRISH
PREDICAMENT
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish
Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but
says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole
just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin’. There's no paper on this side either."
##########################
IRISH
LAST REQUEST
Mary
Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's
in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She
says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."
The
priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last
requests?"
She
says, "That he did, Father..."
The
priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She
says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!”
###########################
I’M
FROM
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar
and asks if he can buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are
you from?" "I'm from
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from
"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the
first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint
Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing
much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk
again."
Happy
St. Patrick's Day!
Originator
Unknown
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