“NO” Is Not A Four Letter Word
by Stephanie Marston, MFT
How often do you say “yes”
when you want to say “no?” Do you say, “yes” because you’re afraid you’ll disappoint the other
person? Do you feel guilty if you turn
someone down? Are you concerned with
what they’ll think of you?
We waste so much of our precious
time and energy trying to please other people.
If you have trouble saying “no” you’re in good company. As women, our concern for others is central
to the way we make decisions. While men
make choices based on principles, women are much more concerned with the impact
their decision will have on the people involved, consequently we’re reluctant
to say “no.”
Frequently we feel that when
we say “no” we’re not rejecting a request, but we’re rejecting the other
person. And since we certainly don't
want to reject someone we love, care about or respect we resist saying
‘no.” What’s more, if we see
"no" as a rejection, chances are we ourselves hate to be told
“No.” Consequently, we also hesitate
because we don't want anyone to say “no” to us (not that this ever works).
To most people, unless
they've learned otherwise, "no" conjures up thoughts of selfishness,
weakness, anger, rejection, failure, stubbornness to name but a few. It's not surprising some of us have trouble
with this little word. In fact most of
us act as if “no” is a four letter word.
May I remind you, it isn’t.
Remember you have every
right to say "no" to something you don't wish to do. The truth is learning to say "no"
is an acquired skill. However, like
learning how to swim, you get better with practice. Using this powerful two-letter word doesn't
mean you’ll never do a favor for a friend again or accept another invitation
about which you're somewhat ambivalent.
However, when you make a decision to go against your feelings, it will
be your adult decision, not the decision of your guilt demons. Moreover, learning to say "no" can
dramatically increase your time and help you to feel better about yourself and
less resentful of others.
If we’re going to create a
life we love we have to become more protective of our time. We have to be willing to say “no” to certain
things in order to make room to say “yes” to others. Saying “no” is a way of caring for and
honoring your authentic self. It’s a way
to keep in touch with what’s most essential in your life.
Stephanie is an acclaimed
speaker and author. She speaks from
experience. Stephanie is the “go to”
expert for those who seek to create quality driven lives. Stephanie is
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