Emotional
Dependency or Emotional Responsibility
by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Emotional dependency means
getting one’s good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled
from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is responsible
for your emotional wellbeing?
There are numerous forms of
emotional dependency:
When you do not take
responsibility for defining your own adequacy and worth or for creating your
own inner sense of safety, you will seek to feel adequate, worthy and safe
externally. Whatever you do not give to yourself, you may seek from others or
from substances or processes. Emotional dependency is the opposite of taking
personal responsibility for one’s emotional wellbeing. Yet many people have no
idea that this is their responsibility, nor do they
have any idea how to take this responsibility.
What does it mean to take
emotional responsibility rather than be emotionally dependent?
Primarily, it means recognizing
that our feelings come from our own thoughts, beliefs and behavior, rather than
from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you
create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside
yourself, then you can begin to take emotional
responsibility.
For example, let’s say someone
you care about gets angry at you.
If you are emotionally
dependent, you may feel rejected and believe that your feelings of rejection
are coming from the other’s anger. You might also feel hurt, scared, anxious,
inadequate, shamed, angry, blaming, or many other difficult feeling in response
to the other’s anger. You might try many ways of getting the other person to
not be angry in an effort to feel better.
However, if you are emotionally
responsible, you will feel and respond entirely differently. The first thing
you might do is to tell yourself that another person’s anger has nothing to do
with you. Perhaps that person is having a bad day and is taking it out on you.
Perhaps that person is feeling hurt or inadequate and is trying to be one-up by putting you one-down. Whatever the reason for the
other’s anger, it is about them rather than about you. An emotionally
responsible person does not take others’ behavior personally, knowing that we
have no control over others’ feelings and behavior, and that we do not cause
others to feel and behave the way they do - that others are responsible for
their feelings and behavior just as we are for ours.
The next thing an emotionally
responsible person might do is move into compassion for the angry person, and open to learning about what is going on with the other
person. For example, you might say, “I don’t like your anger, but I am willing
to understand what is upsetting you. Would you like to talk about it?” If the
person refuses to stop being angry, or if you know ahead of time that this
person is not going to open up, then as an emotionally responsible person, you
would take loving action in your own behalf. For example, you might say, “I’m
unwilling to be at the other end of your anger. When you are ready to be open
with me, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to take a walk (or hang up the
phone, or leave the restaurant, or go into the other room, and so on). An
emotionally responsible person gets out of range of attack rather than tries to
change the other person.
Once out of range, the
emotionally responsible person goes inside and explores any painful feelings
that might have resulted from the attack. For example, perhaps you are feeling
lonely as a result of being attacked. An emotionally responsible person
embraces the feelings of loneliness with understanding and compassion, holding
them just as you would hold a sad child. When you acknowledge and embrace the
feelings of loneliness, you allow them to move through you quickly, so you can
move back into peace.
Rather than being a victim of
the other’s behavior, you have taken emotional responsibility for yourself.
Instead of staying stuck in feeling angry, hurt, blaming, afraid, anxious or
inadequate, you have moved yourself back into feeling safe and peaceful.
When you realize that your
feelings are your responsibility, you can move out of emotional dependency.
This will make a huge difference within you and with all of your relationships.
Relationships thrive when each person moves out of emotional dependency and
into emotional responsibility.
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About The Author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the
best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have
To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful
Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site
for a |
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