Sticks and Stones
By Bret Burquest
When I was six years old, I found
myself under the constant attack of a neighborhood bully who was two years
older and twice my size. One day he pushed me too far and I punched him in the
nose. My next course of action was to make a swift retreat back to my house.
Several hours later, the bully’s
mother showed up at our front door. My mother answered the door while I
lingered nearby, safely out of sight. The bully’s mother handed my mother a
fresh apple pie, intended for me, and told my mother that anytime I felt
compelled to hit her son it was just fine with her.
From that day on, I never had any
trouble with the bully during the next three years we lived there. I suspect I
had gained an ounce of respect from him because I stood up to him. But it was a
hollow victory because he just went on to bully others, while I went on to
encounter the next bully in line.
According to the US Department of
Education, 18 million kids have reported being bullied by other kids. It’s estimated
that 160,000 children skip school daily because of a bully. Statistically, one
out of four bullies will be jailed by age thirty. Some of the lifelong
consequences of having been a victim of bullying include anxiety, depression
and even suicide.
Most of the teenagers who have
recently gone on shooting sprees in their schools complained that their victims
had been picking on them until they couldn’t take it anymore. I suspect the
kids who join gangs, particularly in big cities, do so to protect themselves
from the bullying of others. But joining a gang only exacerbates the problem by
creating bully gangs instead of bully individuals.
Years ago, I lived near a family
with two teenage boys who vandalized property, harassed neighbors, stole
things, tormented teachers and even beat up their mother once. The parents
always had an excuse – boys will be boys. It never occurred to them that they
were the problem; they always blamed the victims for picking on their dear
lads.
I believe human behavior is both genetic
and environmental. We are born with a certain disposition and are also a
product of what we learn along the way.
There’s no doubt that human beings
have certain traits at birth. Some babies are mellow and sweet, while others
can be described as rambunctious or even devilish. These basic personalities
tend to remain throughout a lifetime. Anyone who has raised a litter of puppies
understands this concept. Almost invariably, the aggressive puppies remain
aggressive and the meek remain meek. The same is true with human beings.
I suspect most bullies are the
product of either overly strict parenting or a total lack of parenting. In both
cases, the child suffers from a lack of proper control. With overly strict
parents, the child becomes outraged because of the injustice. With parents who
don’t provide even minimal guidance, the child feels unloved. In both cases,
these children are victims of their upbringing. Some are able to cope with it
and overcome it, while others become victimizers, also known as bullies, and
seek revenge for the cruelties that had been perpetrated on them by
perpetrating cruelties on others, particularly on the innocent and defenseless.
Bullies have always been with us.
Dealing with them is no simple matter. If you fight back, you’re attempting to
solve a wrong with a wrong and, in most cases, will only get injured. But you
can turn the other cheek only so many times. And reporting them to higher
authorities will almost always backfire. It’s a no win situation.
All bullies are cowards. They pick
on the weak and delight in upsetting others. Don’t allow them to control your
emotions. Your dignity under duress will be much more powerful than reacting to
a jerk who wants you to react.
* * *
Bret Burquest is an award-winning columns and author of four
novels. Contact bret@centurytel.net
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