Baby Named by Highest Bidder

By Bret Burquest

Except for conceiving and raising them, one of the hardest things involved with bringing children into the world is agreeing on a name.

For many years, Michael has been the most popular name for a boy. Lately, names like Cody, Wyatt and Dustin have been moving up the list in popularity.

Believe it or not, my cousin in Phoenix has a neighbor who had difficulty coming up with a name for his kids so he named them after the model name of his two trucks: Cheyenne and Sierra. I wonder what other vehicle names he was considering, perhaps Volvo and Hummer.

Some people come up with even more outlandish names. Rock star, Frank Zappa, named two of his kids Dweezle and Moon Unit. When your last name is Zappa, I guess anything is fair game.

A couple of years ago, a New York couple expecting a baby boy within the next 30 days put up a web site where they accepted bids from corporations. They intended to name their son after the highest bidder, such as Pepsi, Ajax, Goodyear or Microsoft.

It’s bad enough to name your kids after the model of the truck sitting in your front yard, but this is going a little too far. To me, this is another sign that civilization as we know it is about to come to an end.

Some of the potential names this poor kid could be saddled with include:

1) Mr. Clean

2) Dr. Pepper

3) Green Giant

4) Drano

5) Minute Maid

6) WD-40

7) Easy Off

8) Roach Motel

9) Captain Crunch

10) General Electric

11) Brillo

12) Amazon.com

13) Stop Leak

14) Frito-Lay

15) Taco Bell

16) Jiffy Pop

17) Milky Way

18) Spam

19) Fruit of the Loom

20) I can't Believe It's Not Butter

So what would you name your baby boy if you had to name him after a corporate sponsor??

Personally, I think I'd name him Stop Leak or Drano, and send him to medical school.

***

Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. Contact bret@centurytel.net

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