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Thu Aug 28, 2008
The Marriage Commandments
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Note: To view Gene's Blogs posted before June 2008, just visit the "Articles" and "Odds 'N Ends" sections of NuPathz at http://www.nupathz.com/
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THE MARRIAGE COMMANDMENTS
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.
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Tue Aug 26, 2008
A Country Boy’s View on Fashion
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Note: To view Gene's Blogs posted before June 2008, just visit the "Articles" and "Odds 'N Ends" sections of NuPathz at http://www.nupathz.com/
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I still can’t understand it. After all these years, I can’t make a lick of sense out of what folks consider to be in or out of fashion – appropriate or inappropriate attire or appearance. What was “in” last year, might be “out” this year – or it might be in but you need to change what you wear with it. What was OK for spring and summer probably won’t work well for fall and winter - weather considerations aside. And what is in was likely already in somewhere around 20 or so years ago but then it went out so something else could be in. And why don’t they just come right out and say FAKE fur instead of trying to dress it up with a fancy foreign word?
Thank God for jeans…
I gotta find the Fashion Holy Book. I know there has to be one out there somewhere that says that it’s a sin to wear the same thing as you wore last year. Or maybe it’s just sometimes that it’s a sin. I dunno. All I know is that the ladies section has to be really big. Like maybe everything but the last seven pages. Guys don’t seem to matter quite as much. It’s sort of like an afterthought thing just so we wouldn’t be offended. They – whoever “they” is – could have left us out completely for all I care.
Thank God for jeans…
I can’t understand it. Why sometimes looking “layered” is good and sometimes it isn’t. Why sometimes croc (apparently “they” couldn’t spell the entire word) is good and sometimes it isn’t. Why big old-looking broaches are sometimes good and sometimes they aren’t. And why anyone would ever frown on micro-mini’s is beyond me. OK, so I’m I guy. I’ll let that one go.
Thank God for jeans…
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Fri Aug 22, 2008
Friday Silliness - Blonde Jokes
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Note: To view Gene's Blogs posted before June 2008, just visit the "Articles" and "Odds 'N Ends" sections of NuPathz at http://www.nupathz.com/
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OK, just to be fair to blondes, feel free to substitute any other hair color, nationality, occupation, geographic designation or reference to a rival team’s cheerleaders. You’ll probably find that “brunette” or “dental hygienist” is not nearly as funny, however. Just thought I’d mention that…
FLORIDA OR THE MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... And one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????'
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed. Then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?’
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
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Wed Aug 20, 2008
Angels Explained by Children
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Note: To view Gene's Blogs posted before May 2008, just visit the "Articles" and "Odds 'N Ends" sections of NuPathz at http://www.nupathz.com/
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I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
~~~Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
~~~Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
~~~Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
~~~Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
~~~Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
~~~Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
~~~Daniel, 9
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Mon Aug 18, 2008
Finger Salutes on Country Roads
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Note: To view Gene's Blogs posted before May 2008, just visit the "Articles" and "Odds 'N Ends" sections of NuPathz at http://www.nupathz.com/
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*The following article is provided courtesy of Bret Burquest
FINGER SALUTES ON COUNTRY ROADS
Country dudes who travel the back roads of rural America tend to salute an approaching vehicle with a hand gesture utilizing one or more fingers.
Being a former City Slicker who has slowly evolved into a Country Bumpkin over the years, I've learned there's a definite etiquette to finger salutes.
First of all, this is a man thing. If you finger salute a woman, she either thinks she has a flat tire or you're some sort of pervert, both common occurrences on dusty, lonely roads. But if a woman finger salutes you, it’s probably your wife or girlfriend, and she’s in a bad mood.
Finger saluting is only done on isolated slow terrain, mostly dirt roads. Usually men who salute other men live somewhere down the road, at least a mile or more from a small town.
Never finger salute within fifty miles of an actual city, a place that has more than one stoplight or a building higher than two stories. City slickers take exception to any sort of finger salute and may make a quick U-turn to discuss the matter.
There are several different salutes, each with its own meaning, always performed by the hand on top of the steering wheel.
The raised index finger is the most common. This generally means “howdy.”
The raised middle finger is another matter. Don’t ever use this salute unless you have lots of tattoos and a gun rack in your rear window with at least one shotgun visible at all times. This is the “fight or flight” salute, which means you either want to engage in a physical altercation or you want to be chased across a couple of county lines by angry strangers.
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Thu Aug 14, 2008
Excuses for Missing School
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Note: To view Gene's Blogs posted before May 2008, just visit the "Articles" and "Odds 'N Ends" sections of NuPathz at http://www.nupathz.com/
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These are supposedly excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country. Well, maybe. At any rate, for the six of you who haven’t seen these, here y’ar…
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
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Tue Aug 12, 2008
Just Let ‘Em Go!
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Note: To view Gene's Blogs posted before May 2008, just visit the "Articles" and "Odds 'N Ends" sections of NuPathz at http://www.nupathz.com/
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I remember when I was just a little guy probably about 4 or 5 years old, I was fascinated by snakes. Not any particular type of snake – just snakes in general. I remember being really curious about how they could move around so easily without any legs or feet. I remember liking the colors on the garter snakes that slithered through our Nebraska summer garden.
And – I remember one day picking up one of those fascinating garter snakes and holding it right in front of my face so I could get a little better look at the colorful markings on its head. It was at that moment the unthinkable happened. In mere seconds, that wonderful, fascinating creature had transformed itself into a writhing, ferocious monster with a flickering, forked tongue and hypnotic eyes. What happened next? I dropped it, of course. Actually, it may have been more like a toss – that part gets a little blurry. But I got rid of the monster as fast as I could! I let it go!
Obviously, the poor snake didn’t really change into anything different from what it already was. But my perception told me it had, so I reacted to what I saw as a significant problem. I let it go.
Since then, I’ve learned that “monsters” – real and perceived – come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. Most of them we can’t physically see but we do experience the results of their presence – and they are very, very real.
Our monsters have names – common names. Here are a few: Fear, Guilt, Hate, Self-Doubt, Jealousy, Insecurity, and Anger. They’re all slime-balls. They all have the potential power to control our lives and destroy any chance at a truly happy life. Any one of these monsters can freeze us in our tracks and until we recognize it and get it out of the way, we’re not going to be able to move on toward whatever better life we have waiting for us.
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Thu Aug 07, 2008
Children’s Answers to Questions about Mothers
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Note: To view Gene's Blogs posted before May 2008, just visit the "Articles" and "Odds 'N Ends" sections of NuPathz at http://www.nupathz.com/
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Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your Mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
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Tue Aug 05, 2008
Fences Are Us
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Note: To view Gene's Blogs posted before May 2008, just visit the "Articles" and "Odds 'N Ends" sections of NuPathz at http://www.nupathz.com/
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Fences - our billboards that advertise some of our most personal feelings to the world. Hadn’t thought of it quite that way? Here’s what I’m seeing. Having recently moved from a large metropolitan area to the more laid-back environment of a small town, I’ve noticed an apparent correlation between the kinds of fences we have around our property or neighborhood - and how we feel about ourselves and where we’re living. Let’s take the metro area first.
“Enjoy peace of mind in the new, secure, gated community of Serenity Lakes!” Ahhh, doesn’t it make you feel all warm and fuzzy? Finally, you’ll be able to sleep nights knowing that all will be well in your little corner of the world. A corner by the way, that is sectioned off and protected by a BIG block or wrought iron fence. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be much need for the gate, would there? All this of course implies that somewhere deep inside, the people that prefer to live in this special community may be harboring just a touch of insecurity – a bit of fear that something bad could happen to them or their family if they were living naked and exposed in the midst of Perilville.
Speaking of naked and exposed, I’m assuming that there is also a possibility that these folks may have – in addition to the BIG fence – a smaller fence that encloses a part of their personal plot of land. Yeah? Why? Don’t they trust their neighbors who are sharing the security of the gated community? Maybe they’re not certain that the BIG fence is really big enough to do its job? Or maybe they are seeking the privacy of their own personal enclosure that does indeed permit them to be… ahem… naked and not quite so exposed in the comfort of their own back yard.
So there we have it. Fences are for security and privacy. OK, realizing that it would take any semi-adept scoundrel a maximum of three point seven seconds to clear just about any of them, they may not be all that effective in eliminating mischievous marauders. But what the heck, if they make you feel better…
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Sat Aug 02, 2008
Alert - Home Depot Scam
Hey Guys… In case you aren’t aware of this scam, this was passed on to me by my brother-in-law so IT MUST BE TRUE!!!
I understand that this happens at Lowe's, too, so don't desert Home Depot just yet.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get in the backseat.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the15th, 20th, & 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 24th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each / 3 for 4.99.
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