In the
Call.
Don't lie.
Never tape any of
her body parts together.
If guys' night out
is going to be fun, invite the girls.
If guys' night out
is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
The correct answer
to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
Ditto for "Is
she prettier than me?"
Ordering for her is
good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
Being attentive is
good. Stalking is bad.
"Honey",
"Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag",
"Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
Talking is good.
Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
A grunt is seldom
an acceptable answer to any question.
None of your ex-girlfriends
were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
Her cooking is
excellent.
That isn't an
excuse for you to avoid cooking.
Dish soap is your
friend.
Hat does not equal
shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
Buying her dinner
does not equal foreplay.
Answering "Who
was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that
conversation.
Ditto for
"Whose lipstick is this?"
Two words: clean
socks.
Believe it or not,
you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
Burping is not
sexy.
You're wrong.
You're sorry.
She is probably
less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
Ditto
for your discourse on football.
Ditto for your
ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
"Will you
marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
Don't assume PMS is
the cause for every bad mood.
Don't assume PMS
doesn't exist.
No means No. Yes
means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment
in time, and it could change without notice.
"But, we
kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean
plaque with your tongue.
Never let her walk
anywhere alone after
Chivalry and
feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
Pick her up at the
airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
If you want to
break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a
complete jerk until she does it for you.
Don't tell her you
love her if you don't.
Tell her you love
her if you do. Often.
Always, always suck
up to her brother.
Think boxers.
Silk
boxers.
Remember
Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
Don't try to change
the way she dresses.
Her haircut is
never bad.
Don't let your
friends pick on her.
Call.
Don't lie.
The rules are never
fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor
while you sit in the waiting room on your ass isn't fair either, and it balances
everything.
Author Unknown
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