1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher
he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was
dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it
didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT?!?" the
teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know, "explained the boy, "I
leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.
2. A small boy
is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
“What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No,
you had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes
later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you
ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you
come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it
over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming
the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay
out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor
in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last
by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter
Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a bitch to
iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,
"Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember
Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied,
but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said
to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six,
that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and
gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm
doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught
you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated,
the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son
in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn
the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer
and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher
paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was
unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was
wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She
replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go
outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't
play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it
for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with
him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get
hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get
boobs too.
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