Since tests of all types (IQ, Personality,
Compatibility, etc.) seem to be the “in” thing, I thought today I would offer
the following for your edification and enlightenment. We’ll entitle this one:
SOMETHING ABOUT ME…??
Please choose an answer that most closely approximates your true feelings about the question. (Don’t you just hate it when they do that…?)
1. I believe life’s purpose:
A. Has something to do with chocolate.
B. Is definitely all about chocolate – and sex.
C. Hinges on booze, fast cars and faster women (or men, your choice)
D. Is ultimately under the control of rabid chipmunks
E. Any of the above depending on the phase of the moon
2. I am most
comfortable when I:
A. Am just hangin’ around with the gang.
B. Am kickin’ back on the couch in my skivvies (or undies, depending)
C. Pass a blast of gas
D. Hang upside-down from tree branches
E. Am horizontal.
3. I would enjoy work more if I could:
A. Find a real job.
B. Strangle my boss.
C. Mutilate my employees.
D. Hump the bod in the next office.
E. Stop falling out of my chair when I doze off.
4. The thing that scares me most in life is:
A. Vampire turtles.
B. That I’m actually reading this stuff.
C. My mother-in-law.
D. The color mauve.
E. Spasmodic recidivism.
5. My best friend is:
A. My significant other. (Aw, shucks….)
B. My .45.
C. Passed out on the couch.
D. Hiding from the law.
E. Burping the “Star Spangled Banner”
6. My second toe on my right foot is:
A. Longer than my big toe.
B. Shorter than my big toe.
C. Fatter than my big toe.
D. Covered with green stuff.
7. I frequently find myself fantasizing about:
A. Madeline Albright.
B. Albert Einstein.
8. If I could do anything I wanted, I:
D. Might not.
E. Would probably get caught.
9. As far as I’m concerned:
A. Pinocchio is a real boy.
B. Santa Claus is a chincy bastard.
C. The earth is flat.
D. Bats are really furry birds.
E. We’re all going to hell.
10. The saying, “Non plumas de rector” means:
A. You look like a cabbage.
B. No feathers, no dance.
C. Crime pays.
D. There’s a banana in your rear.
E. Never sleep with peacocks.
11. Rabbits are to radishes as cucumbers are to:
B. Vacuum cleaners
D. Furniture polish
12. In the equation, MRT = ½ (RQV)(123), Q is equal to:
B. R x I
C. 5,280 feet
D. 13 gallons
E. 6 left-handed monkeys
13. Fiddlesticks are:
A. Used to play the violin.
B. Really tasty with salsa.
C. Grown only in
D. Used to keep your hands busy.
E. Illegal in
14. The song, “Nighttime in the Bayou”:
A. Is about alligators mating.
B. Will get you into your date’s underwear.
C. Tells the story of two cops in
D. Has no sharps or flats.
E. Will probably never be written.
15. The size of a man’s hands can indicate:
A. His grandmother’s maiden name.
B. How long…….he’ll live (gotcha).
C. The length of his……legs (snicker..).
D. How deep he’ll be able to…..dig a hole. (Easy now…)
E. The measurement of his…..(OK, you finish it…).
Questions 16 through 147 have been omitted due to lack of interest. To score this test, consider all of your answers to be incorrect. (I don’t care what “they” say. Even tests with “no” incorrect answers can show that you’re a Dufus.)
Here are the results of your test:
YOU ARE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING WHO SHOULD NEVER TRUST AN UGLY STRANGER IN A DARK ALLEY! YOU WILL LIKELY SUCCEED AT SOMETHING NO MATTER WHAT YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU! YOU ARE ALSO SORT OF WEIRD FOR EVEN READING THIS. YOU ARE THEREBY TO BE BANISHED TO A SECLUDED LOCATION TO LISTEN TO 72,129 REPETITIONS OF “IT’S A SMALL WORLD”. CONTACT ME WHEN YOU’RE DONE.
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