You’ll probably never see:
Swordfish Helper
A sweet roll package label reading: “Free – 20% More Calories”
A pasta label reading: “Crammed with Carbs”
An artificial crab meat label: “It’s Not Crab Meat – It’s Just Fish”
A beef label: “Dragged Directly from the Feedlot to Your Table”
A chicken label: “Raised in Immobility to Promote Flaccidity”
A veggie
promotion: “Grown in 100% Human Excrement”
A lunch meat label: “Contains only Premium Animal Residue”
A butter label: “It’s Better Cooked in Saturated Fat”
A tuna label: “Contains Energy Boosting Mercury”
A hot dog label: “Made with the Best Viscera We Could Find”
A cereal label: “20 Percent Fewer Insect Parts”
Another cereal label: “So Sweet It Will Make Your Teeth Ache”
Still another cereal label: “Minimal Nutritional Value Guaranteed”
Another veggie promotion: “We’re Insect Free with DDT”
A laxative label: “We’ll Have You Crapping Your Pants in No Time”
An aspirin label: “Rots Your Stomach Lining on Contact”
A canned juice label: “Contains 98% Natural Water”
A milk label: “We Squeeze Teats Better than Anyone”
An egg label: “Our Chickens’ Work Their Butts Off for You”
A cottage cheese label: “The Best Tasting Spoiled Milk in Town”
A frozen dinner label: “It’s Not the Taste that’s Important. It’s the Cooking
Speed”
A fish sticks label: “Made with Only Select Fin and Tail Scraps”
A furniture polish label: “Up to 70% Water Content”
A breaded shrimp label: “Guaranteed – Less than 20% Shrimp Meat by Weight”
Still another cereal label: “Box Intentionally Filled to 60% of Capacity”
A frozen pizza label: “30% Fewer Toppings – 50% Less Taste”
A candy bar label: “Packaged in a Smaller Size to Reduce Calories and Maximize
Profits”
A detergent label: “A New Improved Label on the Same Old Familiar Product”
Another detergent label: “Reduces Washer Dirt Particle Discharge by 40%”
A dish washing detergent label: “Improves Muscle Tone through Additional
Scrubbing Efforts”
A hot dog bun label: “Contains Only 8 Buns – Count ‘Em”
A white bread label: “Guaranteed Not to Contain Nutritional Whole Grains”
A children’s instant lunch pack label: “Speed of Preparation Wins over
Nutrition”
A refried bean label: “It’s the Fat that Provides the Flavor”
A ketchup label: “Contains 50% More Sugar than You’d Expect”
A beef stew label: “We Keep Old Cows from Going to Waste”
A ground coffee label: “Contains Absolutely No Genuine Columbian Beans”
A canned chili label: “Experience the GERD Surge”
And – you’ll probably never see Lobster Helper either (just thought I’d mention
that…)
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