Pilot Talk
Here are some
conversations that the airline passengers don't hear. The
following are accounts of reportedly actual exchanges between airline pilots
and
control towers around the world.....
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown
aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach
Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little
Fokker in sight."
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned
to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned
passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
A Pan Am 727 flight
waiting for start clearance in
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer, you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
you lost the bloody war."
Tower:
"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure
on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot
of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway
while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied
back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the
radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by
yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll
have enough parts for another one."
While taxiing at
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this
out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground
control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of
US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in
her
current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
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