Great One-liners
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Gun Control: Use both hands.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.
Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Friction can be a drag sometimes.
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
I couldn't care less about apathy.
When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Save the earth… It's the only planet with chocolate.
Originator Unknown
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