“George Carlin’s” New Rules for 2008
Once again, proof that you can’t believe everything that
pops onto the screen of your computer.
The above title is just the way it showed up in an e-mail (except for
the quotes) I received a while back. And
no, George Carlin didn’t have anything to do with the “New Rules” listed
below. According to Snopes.com,
http://www.snopes.com/ - one of the best references I’ve found for
separating Internet wheat from the chaff - these are compliments of Bill Mahr
and were aired as part of his “Real Time with Bill Mahr” show on HBO back in
2005. You can find “New Rules”
transcripts at
http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/20071102.html
NEW TITLE: A FEW OF BILL MAHR’S “NEW RULES”
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's
for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you
want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white
people version of looting.
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't
talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides,
I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days ---
mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's
chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to
contain...Lobster?
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are
permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If
you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man,
they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at
the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored
water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over
ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle
that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the
time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk
into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my
PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash
back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is
standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef
with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to
God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN
recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting?
Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go
nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television
shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a
television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a
movie.
New Rule:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some
guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael.
I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands!
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's
two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the
first place.
New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than
minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece
of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with
that?'
Originator Unknown
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