Medical Record Humor

 

 

 

The following are supposedly excerpts from actual medical records:

 

 

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

 

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

 

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

 

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

 

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

 

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

 

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

 

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

 

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

 

The patient refused an autopsy.

 

The patient has no past history of suicides.

 

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

 

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

 

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

 

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

 

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

 

She is numb from her toes down.

 

The skin was moist and dry.

 

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

 

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

 

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

 

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

 

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

 

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

 

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

 

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

 

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

 

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

 

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

 

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

 

 

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