Health Questions &
Answers
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them
on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables
to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field
grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine - that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you
have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only
be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways
- Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming "WOO
Author/Originator
Unknown
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and
health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
*I really don’t
need to tell you that it’s better for the old bod to
eat healthy and exercise, do I? Nah, I
didn’t think so…
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