Giving Pets Pills
1. Pick up cat and
cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill
from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat
from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill
from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left
hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill
from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.
6. Kneel on floor
with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low
growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat
from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth
and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large
towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.
9. Check label to
make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply
band-aid to partner's forearm and immediately remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat
from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch
screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch
bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to
disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
12. Call fire
department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil wrap.
13. Tie front paws
to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table.
Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2
pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume
remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly
while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to pick out new table.
15. Arrange for
Humane Society to collect mutant cat. Call local pet shop to see if they have
hamsters.
DOGS:
1. Wrap pill in
bacon.
Author Unknown
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