GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
School lunches stick to the wall
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Wrinkles don't hurt.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Really rich people are much more likely to drown in yacht accidents.
Mechanics' cars break down too.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Time may be a great healer - but it's a lousy beautician.
Wisdom may come with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF
You believe in Santa Claus.
You don't believe in Santa Claus.
You are Santa Claus.
You look like Santa Claus.
At age 4 success is… not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is… having friends.
At age 16 success is… having a driver’s license.
At age 20 success is… going all the way.
At age 35 success is… having money.
At age 50 success is… having money.
At age 60 success is… going all the way.
At age 70 success is… having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is… having friends.
At age 80 success is… not peeing in your pants.
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