I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Always remember: Pillage first, THEN burn!
Help wanted: Telepath ... you know where to apply.
I saw Elvis making crop circles
Stamp out global whining.
Witch's Parking ONLY! All Others Will Be TOAD!
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
They told me I was gullible... and I believe them.
Neutrinos have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich.
A friend in need can be a real pain in the butt
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!
If you always take time to smell the roses, sooner or later
you’re going to inhale a bee.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
All extremists should be shot.
I am perfectly sane. The little voices in my head told me
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to Me.
Reincarnation is making a comeback!
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
Incontinence Hotline... Can you hold, please?
I will finish what I sta
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!', till you can
find a rock.
I used to have schizophrenia, but we're better now.
Procrastinators Unite... Tomorrow!
Lord, give me patience... But Hurry!
An erection does not constitute personal growth.
Beat the evening rush hour, leave work at noon!
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I married my wife for her looks... But not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Nonconformists are all alike.
The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
When the chips are down, the Buffalo is empty!
A sense of humor is the difference between ambition and achievement.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Be alert. Your country needs more lerts.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you
I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Anyone who can see through a woman is missing a lot!
I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Just when I was getting use to yesterday along came today.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.
Sudden prayers make God jump.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Implants?
Always yield to temptation. It may never pass your way again.
It's as BAD as you
think, and they
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
No matter where you go, there you are.
When I grow up, I wanna be just like Barbie. That Bitch has Everything!
If it wasn't for plumbers, you'd have no place to go.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
Nice guys finish last and bring you breakfast in bed!
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I gave up drinking, smoking and sex - Worst 15 minutes of my life
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Always yield to temptation. It may never pass your way again.
How much deeper would the ocean be, if sponges didn't live there?
Proofread carefully, to see if you any words out.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
Hard work never hurt anybody, but then I figured why take the risk?
He who hesitates is
not only lost, but also miles from the next exit.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include free trips around the sun.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.
In just two days,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
Is there an imaginary cure for hypochondria?
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
Of course I don't
look busy. I did it right the first time.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
All I want to do is massage your back. TRUST me...
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.
I used to be a
schizophrenic until they cured me, now I'm just lonely.
Dorothy, hate Oz, taking the shoes, find your own way home- Toto
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most!
You non-conformists are all the same.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
Sex on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
Lead me not into
temptation, I can find it myself.
A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.
Don't think God has a sense of humor? Look at the platypus.
Don't believe everything you think
I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Always be sincere.
Even when you don't mean it!
43% of all statistics are useless.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
I finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it
If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.
It only seems kinky the first time.
Never meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup!
NuPathz.com – Your affordable source for self improvement and self help books & materials
Illuminating the path for personal motivation, growth and development
SUCCESS = TAKING THE STEPS TO DO THE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO!