Dear Wife
Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been
a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last
two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job
today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your
soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything
that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're
cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are
moving away to
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and
I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what
you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a
hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you
can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite
meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating
pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price
tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I
still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us
two tickets to
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the
letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem.
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