OK, About those E-Mails…

I’ll admit it. I’m a bit of a dinosaur when it comes to modern communications. I don’t own a cell phone (even though everyone else in my family has one) and naturally because of that I don’t do text messaging. I also don’t get pestered by silly-assed phone calls during those times I much prefer to be doing other things. I like it that way.

I also don’t do the computer chat scene. It’s not that I don’t enjoy socializing – I do. It’s just that I’d much rather do it in person where I can tune into the other person’s tone, inflections and facial expressions. It seems to make the whole communications process a lot better. Those few times I have used chat to communicate with a technician or business representative just didn’t seem… well, let’s say personal enough to suit me. I couldn’t create an image of the individual on the other end of the conversation. Well, actually I did produce a couple of mental pictures just to kill time but when you get right down to it, thinking of chatting with a chimpanzee wearing a bikini and ten-gallon hat is not necessarily the most productive thing to do.

So, other than the old land-line type house phone, I do e-mail.

I rather like e-mail. It keeps me in touch. Sometimes with willing suppliers of a variety of medications (always available at a huge discount) which may or may not have been produced in the back room of Joe’s Bar and Grill. And of course, there are an unlimited number of helpful souls who for only a moderate fee, will double the size of my whanger in two weeks so that my “girlfriend will be very happy” – or something like that. Actually, my spam filter weeds out most of that junk so I only run into one or two of those a day. No big deal.

As a result, I am the recipient of communications in the form of some very cool e-zines and newsletters and of course, updates and goodies from my family and friends. Which is very, very nice - with a few notable exceptions.

Exception 1

The Immigration Rant – Yes, my dear friends… I do understand that our US government representatives really should get off their asses and take some logical steps to improve the immigration situation – hopefully to the benefit of as many of our citizens and potential workers as possible. What I do not understand is why I frequently receive e-mails containing a list of “facts” about how much these illegal occupants of our country are costing me and how much crime they are committing complete with the grousing that you can’t understand a word these folks are saying. Here’s a news flash for you. I am NOT your legally elected representative to Congress – therefore I can’t help you! If you are truly concerned about this, write to your Senator or Representative. You never know… that might really do some good. Just a thought…

Exception 2

About Me – You may be a close friend or relative – and a very nice person - but honestly, I don’t need to hear all the details of your personal preferences for food, movies, drink or cut of underwear. I don’t care if the last thing you ate was an onion-flavored potato chip or that you are presently listening to the crickets chirping. I don’t care if you’ve lived in Yankton, South Dakota or once had a job raising earthworms. I don’t care… and no, I don’t think you would be a bit interested in my favorite TV show, desert or brand of toothpaste. Instead of this silliness, why don’t you just drop me a quick note to let me know how you’re doing – and tell me about some of the neat things you’re accomplishing for yourself and the people around you. I’d like to hear about that.

Exception 3

Just Forward This – To twelve of your friends in the next fifteen minutes and at 10:15 am tomorrow you will get a surprise… have good luck… get money… see another bouquet appear on your e-mail… kiss a stranger… pass gas… etc, etc, etc. Ahem… really now. Aren’t we old enough to know better…?

Exception 4

If I Am Your Friend – You will not only send a copy of this to all the people on your contact list, you WILL return it to ME! Well, you may be my friend, but guess what. I ain’t sending this sucker on to anyone – and you ain’t getting’ it back! If that puts the kibosh on our “friendship”, so be it. (Do we have an insecurity problem…?)

Exception 5

Hillary Bashing – OK, enough already! I get the concept that you don’t like Hillary and am aware of the three thousand, four hundred and twenty-seven reasons why. None of what you have sent me has – or will – affect my vote. OK, I’ll admit some of it was kind of funny… but I really have about reached my limit on this. And no, don’t extrapolate this exception to mean that I have – or plan to – vote for Hillary. Actually, I’m seriously considering… never mind… Will Smith isn’t in the running this time.

Exception 6

Creative Writings By – George Carlin, Jay Leno, Andy Rooney, etc. Here’s another news flash for you. None… repeat, none… of the stuff I have received via e-mail has actually been created by any of these gentlemen. None. I don’t care what the e-mail you received said. They didn’t do it! Their names were just added to someone else’s creation to give it a little more credibility or increase the possibility of it being read. Seriously, they really didn’t do it…

Exception 7

In Your Face Font – Please, dear friends… can we cool it on the GIANT, BOLD, COLORED frickin font? Damn people! Using big-assed letters in your message does NOT make it more important, truthful, sincere, or insightful than the regular old 10 or 12 point size. Besides, it’s a real pain in the butt to have to scroll down through all that crap. Stop it! Thank you…

Exception 8

Multiple Forwards – Fwd: FW: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: This is Hilarious!!! And it would have likely been a lot funnier had I not been forced to view the e-mail addresses of the other 239 people who were blessed with this very same message. Now I realize that it doesn’t take all that long to scroll through half a dozen or so “forwards” however… it’s still something I’d rather not do. So please nice people, I suggest you take a few minutes to learn how to delete this garbage – or give yourself a quick refresher on your program’s “copy and paste” function. Whatever works best for you. Again… thank you…

Exception 9

Just Add Your Name – To the list and forward this wonderful petition or bit of critically important information (that we want to make sure goes around the globe seven times) to your entire contact list. If you care about the welfare of this sick child, this missing child, our soldiers, the starving children, our rainforests, acid rain, your neighbor’s second cousin, your neighbor’s spouse, your neighbor’s dog, your dog, etc., you’ll send this on immediately. If you don’t care, you’re a real butt-head and are lower than pond scum. May God curse you…

Exception 10

The Religious Rant – Yes, I know you love your God - and I’m happy for you. I honestly am very glad (seriously) that you have found a religion or spiritual belief that is providing the comfort and/or inspiration you need. Even though you may not really believe it, I too have found a spiritual belief system that is working well for me therefore, please do not try – either blatantly or subliminally – to convince me that your beliefs are better than mine. Or… try to convince me that every other religion is bad, evil, based on Satan worship or is a cult. That is medieval thinking at its finest. Please consider joining me in the twenty-first century. You may find that you would be happier here…

Exception 11

“Did You Know?” – Frequently appearing in our in-boxes as “This is True”, “This Really Happened”, “Amazing”, “This is Important”, “Read This”, etc., etc. OK, one last news flash. Not everything we see on the Internet or receive in our in-boxes is true or accurate. Some of it is just downright BS. So before you pass on your latest bit of “fantastic, new information”, why don’t you take just a minute to check its accuracy? The “Urban Legends Reference Pages” (Snopes) at http://www.snopes.com is a good place to start.

So let’s see. What’s that leave? Updates on personal events, pictures, jokes, stories, cartoons, videos, links to neat sites, PowerPoint presentations… yeah, that’ll work out just fine! So keep those e-mails coming. Hmmm? Nah, don’t worry too much about any of those “exceptions” we were just discussing. It really doesn’t bug me all that much – and besides, my “Delete” key is still working just fine. Heck, I might even fill out one of those silly “Getting to Know Me” questionnaires…

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